I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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