I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
