just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
