i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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