Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I met the friendliest cop last night
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
