We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
