I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
