I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
