when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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