idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
