im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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