It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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