My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
