this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
my poor anus
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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