Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
