They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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