I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Is it because I queefed?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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