She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
