in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
