i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
