Apparently you make a good broom.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
