listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
