Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
