i was born a porn star she said
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
not ubering you a puppy
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
