as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
