So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
