My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
