I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It's like God shit irony all over that family
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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