Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
