Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
