WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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