There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
