Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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