just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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