get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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