someone owes me an orgasm
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
