I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
