you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
