he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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