I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Acid is not a monday night drug
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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