i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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