just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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