Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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