i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
