I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
