I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Randomize
