The maid of honor just puked.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
