We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
