Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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