And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The beer is more important than you right now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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