why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
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I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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