thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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