Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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